10 November 2018

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 November 10, 2018
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For the past five days I’ve been feeling apathetic. I have my reasons or ideas where it came from but no reasonable explanation why it continues. Google defines it as an absence of passion, emotion or excitement. In my case, I’m lacking all of those things at the moment. Sometimes less sometimes more but the end result is continuously the same. I don’t feel happy. I don’t feel awfully sad. I am a 5 out of 10 on my mental state scale and the only emotions that do sometimes come through are anger or I am just annoyed about the tiniest things. At this very moment you could give me two tickets for a Taylor Swift concert and of course I’d take them – thank god I am still capable of not denying them – but you wouldn’t get more than a thanks and a fishy handshake. For people who know me including myself (I think after 21 years I got to know me a little bit) this is absolutely HORRIBLE. I’d rather be my emotional wreck than not feeling anything at all. I mean that’s not entirely true. Last night I watched the latest ‘Last Week Tonight’ with John Oliver which is something I quite enjoy but this time he was talking about family separation and don’t get me wrong, the episode was good but I was so shocked. I was absolutely speechless and I couldn’t say a word. Not that I haven’t been aware of this horrendous situation but it’s more like… you eat meat, you’re aware that animals die but then in the end when you see one of those slaughtering videos you’re like – wtf. where’s the next veggie burger? At least that’s me. Stupid I know. Whatever that’s not the point here.

 

Sometimes you’re stuck in a tedious daily routine or you’re afraid what the future might hold. These are just two reasons out of many that can cause apathy. I feel like this is something my body does. Like a protection layer or turtle shell. Not caring is better than feeling overly sad. The downside of this whole apathy thing is just that you can’t really expect to feel joy or happiness either. Gosh I probably sound like someone who needs help but even if I am in that state of mind right now I know it’s just temporary. Countless people feel apathetic from time to time and it’s okay.
I’ve been looking for universities and programs once I am done being an AuPair. Like last year it’s just stressing me out and I’ll definitely write another blog post about this soon because in my eyes it is absolutely ridiculous and I have too many thoughts about. I can’t keep them to myself.
However, I do feel a bit better about this whole situation this year since I finally know which path I want to strike. I thought that would make it a lot easier but actually it doesn’t.
So how can I get out of this whole apathy thing? I have no clue. I haven’t even thought about it until now since I was so busy not really thinking about anything. I’ve been feeling tired and every day was monotonous even though it was not. I don’t even have a set daily routine.

I’d try to find this positive and inspiring end for my blog entry now but I just don’t care today. I want to be done with this blogpost so I can post it even though in the back of my mind I feel like it’s not even worth posting.

I think I’m just getting tired. I’m getting so tired of youtube and lately (even though I would have more than enough material to edit) I don’t even want to make a new video. I don’t even enjoy watching them anymore and it’s so weird. I am so tired of being nice to people and I feel awful writing that down but I just am. I’m only talking about the ‘everyday-on-the-surface’ being nice kind of way. Deeply within myself I couldn’t harm anybody. But why do we have to be so fake fucking nice all the time when we know that anyone has their own stuff to deal with? Isn’t it okay to be grumpy and moody and angry at some point? Sometimes I just want to tell someone ‘hey what you’re doing is absolutely stupid’ but I can’t because that would make me a dull person too. What’s right for me doesn’t mean it’s right for you and gosh I am so tired of that at the moment.

And then this month that we’re in. November. Comes after October where it gets a little chilly but the sun is still out. The leaves turn orange and yellow and I have to admit this year they did a great job. Go leaves! On top of that every instagirl gets excited about this oh so ‘holy’ pumpkin spice latte. I still don’t get what’s the deal about it but hey it brings them happiness and joy so it’s good.
Then after November there’s December where everyone is looking forward to Christmas and twinkly lights and drinking mulled wine at the christkindl market but… November. What kind of month is that? It’s rainy, it’s cold, snow doesn’t even stay on the ground cause it’s still too warm, it’s muddy. November is just the pathetic sandwich between two great months.
That’s what I feel like too. The (a)pathetic stuck sandwich between being joyful and sad.

But it’ll get better. I know.

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