10 May 2019

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 May 10, 2019
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It’s been four months. Four months of not writing a single blogpost. Mainly because I was not in the right mood. There’s no proper excuse or fake apology. Even when I was bored I just didn’t want to.

Sometimes I start writing because I need to get rid of a thought or an opinion. Today is one of those nights. I just need to write and god I wish more people would just write.

I am currently in a transition phase because a new life chapter starts in about 3 months. My brain is focused on planning and organizing and having the weirdest dreams like that one time when Brienne of Tarth threw cherry pie into my face. Yeah… Brienne of fucking Tarth. Where did she come from?

Anyway. Since my brain is in a constant state of overanalyzing I’ve been able to figure some things out about myself over the past few weeks. Many of them… life changing:

– I have little to no self-control when it comes to food (weirdly not when it comes to sweets, I can say no to those without a problem but hey… give me bread and butter or a bag of chips and it is gone in a second my friend)

– I’ve been in the US for one year and nine months now. That is a freaking long time and I’m tired.

– Playing the violin again is kind of awesome.

– I agree with the statement that most sports are boring. Every now and then I can get my ass to run a couple miles or… yeah well that’s about it.

– I miss my friends. Like the good ones you know. The ones who can keep secrets and stuff.

– Opinions can change.

– I’m getting a new tattoo. Soon. As soon as I know what and where. Those are minor things so I’m sure it’s not gonna take too long.

– I quit social media again. At least on my laptop. I haven’t posted anything on Instagram in a while anyway so it shouldn’t be too hard to delete the app on my phone too.

– A fresh breeze at 10pm coming in through the window is just incredible.

– I’ve been able to watch GOT Season 1-7 in just four weeks. Who else?

– It feels like winter came to Chicago and is still here and it is just annoying.

– I’m starting to appreciate authenticity more than people just being nice.

I’d like to add a story to my last point to explain why I came to this personal realization. As I mentioned I binge watched GOT over the past few weeks. Don’t worry… no spoilers in this blog. For the people out there who don’t know what GOT is:

  • How did it get past you???
  • It’s a (drama) HBO show where kings and queens play the game of thrones in order to “win the iron throne” and become ruler of the seven kingdoms. Lots of battles, blood, deaths and nudity.

So. There’s this character: The Hound. While my boyfriend and I were watching one of the episodes he mentioned that the Hound is one of his favorite characters. At that point I wasn’t that far into the show yet and I couldn’t believe what he said. That guy killed so many people and just seemed straight up cruel and malicious. As the show went on I got to know his character better and even though I’m still not the biggest fan I got to see where his actions came from and what made him perform these for the most part gruesome acts. I’m not saying that killing people can be justified and that being driven by anger and hate is rightful. Definitely not but at least he’s authentic. He says what he thinks and sticks to his beliefs. While we can’t (and shouldn’t) actually transfer GOT into our real life there are certain aspects that make it so raw and unique.

There are two extremes I just can’t handle anymore: I’m tired of people being this polished, ever-friendly robot with a constant “my life is great” face and I’m tired of people complaining about every little shit they’re going through. Why can’t we all just be real with each other? Where did the authenticity and honesty go? Was there ever a balance between those two extremes?

Every time I meet someone I ask myself these questions: Can I trust you? Are you just fake-friendly or the real deal? Which is ridiculous in my eyes but the truth.

So why did I list all of those personal perceptions and the story about The Hound? I want to be honest and I want all the future blog posts to come to be authentic. A few weeks ago I would’ve not said I hate most sports or that I have little self control when it comes to food. I think we all have the desire to appear perfect and that we are just healthy and happy all day long. I love my life but I just want it to be real while still being somewhat diplomatic.

-B

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