Usually I think a lot about what I should write and how to properly articulate myself in order to transport the right message. This time I decided to just go with the flow, not to think too much since I’m a master doing that anyway about literally everything. It is currently 9:44am and I’m sitting in my cozy room in Hyde Park, Chicago. Perfectly procrastinating about the fact that I have my first Quiz at college tomorrow.
Blue sky, warm temperatures followed by rain and thunderstorms. Back and forth. Back and forth. This is not only a well suited description of the current weather situation here but also a reflection of my inner feelings, emotions and thoughts. For the past 12 months my life has been influenced and put upside down by numerous incidents, decisions I’ve made and my ‘normal’ everyday life. A big part of me wanted to be a songwriter. It was my plan to move to Chicago, play at open mics all the time, meet musicians, write more songs, be extroverted, work on my social media ‘career’ as I used to call it and produce three youtube videos per week. Sooner rather than later homesickness and cultural shock showed me that it was time to take a break, settle in and get used to my new life here in the US.
I came to America without having any expectations. At least that’s what I thought I did. Now I know it wasn’t true because no matter how much we try not to have an opinion and a vision about our future I’m certain we have them. I thought I’m going to fit in right away. I knew it wouldn’t be easy at the beginning but I would’ve also never predicted several challenges I happened to face throughout my year. Most of the time it wasn’t about my environmental circumstances or the people around me. It was more about my inner world. The whirlwind of emotions I was able to feel inside. I wanted so much. I still do but it has changed. It has changed in a way that I am able to take things slower. A hard and tiring lesson for someone rather impatient like me. It has changed that now I feel like quality goes over quantity. Trying to find the right balance between being this perfectionist that I am and just getting shit done that needs to be done fast and efficient. It has changed in a way that good things take time. I am constantly learning and trying to become the person I’d like to be one day. Accepting myself the way I am in order to accept others just the way they are. Without judgement. Without prejudice. Without the urge of wanting to change somebody in order to fulfill my dreams and my visions because in the end I’m the only
one in the position of making myself happy.
From trying to keep my youtube channel a pure songwriting place – promising to upload two videos a week – to uploading more of my original music followed by AuPair videos only is quite a change. I haven’t touched my guitar in weeks. I can’t remember when I’ve properly written and finished my last song but it is okay. I love creating youtube videos about my life. I don’t know what it is but it feels like these moving pictures are my personal but also public diary. I don’t want to make any promises or predictions at the moment when it comes to uploading dates, content and quantity. I want to share my life, my feelings, my thoughts, my beliefs and stories. I want to make people feel like they’re part of something that’s real and authentic rather than fake and bogus. I’m not a bubbly Zoella nor am I as crazy adventurous and hardworking as Mimi Ikonn.
I’m calm. I’m quiet. I’m an introvert. I love being alone. It’s how I recharge.
I’m extremely curious. I have millions of questions – especially the unnecessary ones – which I don’t ask most of the time because I still think about what other people’s opinion about me is. Unfortunately.
I’d love to read more. The difficult and challenging books that make you philosophize about your life and the world.
I love animals with all of my heart. More than people sometimes. Most of the time if I’m being 100% honest here.
This post is not a beginning or a start of something new. It is what it is and if you’re still curious and you made it to the end – congratulations!
In case you would like to continue following me on my life journey and everyday adventure, feel free to browse around and check out my Instagram for daily updates.